Developing non-sexual intimacy to overcome delayed ejaculation

One of the major causes of delayed ejaculation is the fact that a man believes he has to perform to a certain standard during sex: that he must, for example, always please his partner before he pleases himself. Or that he must lead and take control during sex. Or that he must always have a full erection and satisfy his partner with vaginal intercourse before he ejaculates.

Although this is not true of all cases of delayed ejaculation, it’s certainly true that in many cases, the pressure which a man puts on himself can contribute to the inhibtiion of his ejaculation. This may sound simplistic, so let me explain: such performance pressure causes anxiety, and anxiety is the enemy of confident sexual power.

The nervous system which activates our anxiety responses is the opposing one to the one which activates our sexual responses. You cannot perform well at sex if you are nervous or anxious, or indeed, evolutionally  aroused or stressed.

Therefore, the more anxious a man is about performance in bed, the more likely he is to lose his ability to ejaculate: and once this has happened, the more likely it is to happen again. But this is not the whole story of delayed ejaculation.

Video – Causes of delayed ejaculation

The situation is made more complicated by the fact that to some extent, a man can compensate for his anxiety by using practices which boost his sexual system. For example, heavy duty fantasy, or arousal which stems from the sight or sound or scent of one’s partner. These are methods which many men unconsciously come to use to keep their sexual arousal high. And that is true, even when they are experiencing high levels of anxiety, anger or resentment during sex.

What this means in practice is that a man may appear to be sexually aroused, with a hard erection, and the ability to make love. However, it is in fact his own mental processes which are keeping his penis erect, not his physical arousal. And that is what you actually need to be sexually satisfied.

Sure, for many years this system may keep a man sexually active, but inevitably as time goes by, he will find that the responses of his body to this fantasy are less than they used to be.

Maybe so much so that the anxiety or other (negative) emotion he feels around sex or towards his partner may actually come to predominate his emotional state. The end result then is that he cannot keep an erection. Or, rather that he gradually finds delayed ejaculation is creeping up on his without him realizing it, One day his penis refuses to co-operate during sex.

Now, men who are in this situation need to deal with delayed ejaculation by being more aroused in their bodies rather than their minds. And by not relying on fantasy, but instead on real arousal in their bodies. That way they can replace the need for fantasy to keep their penis erect with a real sense of sexual arousal that naturally gives them an erection and comes from intimate interaction with their partner.

Now you have probably realized that this means a man must actually examine the emotional relationship he has with his partner. If it has significant amounts of anger, resentment or is clouded by other negative emotions, he must effectively deal with this before he begins to search out a cure for delayed ejaculation.

As you may imagine, this is not always easy because a lot of this negative emotion is actually unconscious. The loss of erection that threatens their whole sexual self-image, there is little alternative to counseling or therapy which at least addresses the relationship issues. The only alternative (and one which many men do resort to) if he wishes to keep an active sex life is to find a new partner with whom there is less emotional baggage and with whom the same level of negative emotion has not yet developed.

(I suppose another alternative is to give up sex altogether, though this is not usually an acceptable option for men in this situation – the mistress or new partner is the route which men usually take.)

So how can one deal with delayed ejaculation in this context? As I said above, the first step is probably to get some kind of therapy or counseling for the relationship. That way,  the emotional issues can be dealt with. The next step is to undertake a program of behavioral change so that a man can get in touch with his genuine sexual arousal. One one way of doing this is the series of exercises known as sensate focus.

Video – sensate focus

It’s certainly true that this does require a level of intimacy with one’s partner that may be threatening to some men. However, it is the best way to end delayed ejaculation. Assuming that there are no physical causes, sensate focus is a proven and effective method of reestablishing sexual arousal and getting a man back to sexual self-confidence.

Sensate focus works through a gradual series of touching exercises, which are designed so that there is no sexual pressure. With an explicit commitment not to engage in sexual intercourse, the pressure that contributes to the delayed ejaculation is removed. Then, a man may quickly find that he begins to experience a new and different level of connection with his partner….one where he can appreciate her without the overlay of fear or anger that his (mistaken) belief that he must pleasure her or that her sexual satisfaction depends on him produces.

Essentially you start with an agreement to be intimate and naked, but without genital contact.

After engaging in a series of touching exercises, which in themselves can be a powerful route to understanding or discovering powerful emotions that spring from the depths of your feelings towards each other. Then, you move on to a series of touching exercises where genital contact is permitted, though masturbation or oral sex to reach orgasm is prohibited.

These exercises are designed to remove performance pressure, and allow a man (and his partner) to make contact with his sexual self, physical arousal, and sexual responses.)

The next step is to engage in a series of touching exercises with genital contact and possibly masturbation to orgasm. Once again, the progress towards full sexual intercourse is paced: at every point in the sequence of events, a man must examine how aroused he is. If he finds that he begins to feel anxious, he must reduce his anxiety and bring himself back to a state of relaxation until he is once again calm and back in contact with his sexual and emotional self.

It’s essentially this loss of contact with self that produces delayed ejaculation: think of the analogy of not being able to feel pain in the body. You’d never know if you’d injured yourself. And in the process of sexual arousal, without the feedback from your body, you don’t know how aroused you are. Yet many men who fall into this trap are relying on fantasy to keep their penis erect, not their physical arousal – which is why they often experience what is know as the “numb-come” – the “feeling-less” orgasm: they are simply not aroused. Or, they may not come at all, or they may develop a severe case of delayed ejaculation.