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How to have a good relationship

All relationships require care and attention to make sure that they succeed.

It’s not enough just to spend time with your partner, even though we talk about “quality time“, and there’s a real meaning to that statement.

In fact, the way I define quality time is the kind of time that people spend together which results in deeper intimacy and mutual understanding.

You may wonder what intimacy actually is, but essentially I think it’s about trust. When you feel intimate and safe with somebody, it’s essentially because you trust them at a deep level.

couple in love

What is trust? Certainly it involves being able to expose your deepest self to another person.

In other words, you’re not frightened of exposing your failings, your weaknesses, and perhaps even your deepest shame to them, because you know that they will treat it with respect.

If you think of any relationship as involving four people, you have a good metaphor: the two people who are the adults in the relationship, and the two people who are invisible in the relationship (their inner children).

The inner child is our delicate sensitive part, which carries all kinds of wounds and issues from childhood. And which can be hurt very easily with a careless word.

It’s this lack of care for the inner child which reduces intimacy and trust between individuals and makes relationships fail.

In any event, even if people hide their inner child from each other, the potential for wounding is still huge, because the inner child is such a sensitive organism.

It’s quite realistic to think of the inner child is a delicate sensitive part of any individual which has to be respected just as you (ought to) respect a real-life child.

In fact, perhaps even more so, because the inner child in each of us is already deeply wounded, and bears the scars of all kinds of experiences in childhood which were inflicted upon him or her.

Having said that, you might think that this is not a good basis for a relationship!  Surely, if two people carry such sensitive parts, then it’s inevitable there will be conflict and hurt between them?

And indeed it is. So the cure, or at least the salve, for this is to strengthen what we would call (in Jungian psychology), the Sovereign part of the individual – the mature adult, in other words.

It’s the mature adult who has to be able to carry the wounds of the inner child. And it has to be able to carry the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune (or misfortune Shakespeare didn’t say).

Joking aside, it’s certainly clear to me that any relationship which succeeds is basically doing so because the people in involved in it are respectful of each other’s inner child.

They are also careful not to wound each other, and respectful of the sensitivities which their partner brings to the relationship.

When you think about this, it becomes clear that a relationship which succeeds involves far more than the conventional criteria of things like reflective listening, paying attention to each other, spending time together, and enjoying good sex.

It isn’t so much that those things are not necessary, because they obviously are.

What is critical is the fact that the foundation of the relationship is underpinned by respect for each other’s delicate, sensitive inner children.

Now you may think this is a tall order, and you would probably be right. From the very start of any relationship, when a couple are trying to find a way to fall in love, and to make sure they work together in a harmonious and respectful way, the potential for wounding and hurt is considerable.

When a man wants a woman to fall in love with him, or a woman wants a man to fall in love with her, it’s necessary for them to bear in mind that this narcissistic viewpoint (i.e of what they want) is just one aspect of the relationship of male- female love.

Indeed, in terms of the relationship, it would probably be fairer to look at it from the point of view of what your partner wants out of it than what you want out of it – such consideration would bring a deeper level of intimacy to any relationship.

But that aside, what can we say about the way in which men and women fall in love? Obviously in the first instance it’s based mostly on physical attraction, but this rapidly gives way to the psychological aspects of a developing relationship.

The emotional aspects of a couple getting together are essentially all about finding ways to negotiate each other’s emotional wounds and not hurt each other’s inner children.

The pain of failing to do so can be considerable, because it reactivates the unresolved hurts of childhood, when one partner accidentally (or intentionally) sets out to wound another.

These are indeed the things that need to be negotiated, or it’s certain that the path of love will never run smooth!

There are plenty of places, fortunately, on the Internet, where you can find good advice and information about how you can fall in love and maintain a loving relationship.

These are highly recommended, because, frankly, without them it can be rather difficult to know how to proceed.

Suffice it to say that if you treat your partner with respect, and you do your own personal development work, you stand a much better chance of engaging in a long-term relationship than if you leave all these things to chance….  which is unfortunately, what most people do. Which is of course why so many relationships fail.

Manifestation Is Real – But How Do You Make It Work?

Manifestation and the law of attraction have attracted a great deal of interest in recent years due mainly to the publication of Rhonda Byrne’s book, The Secret, in 2006.

Visualization and manifestation

Visualize your outcome and see it appear in front of you

Although Rhonda presented concepts that have been known for generations – as epitomised in Norman Vincent Peale’s book Success Through A Positive Mental Attitude, Napoleon Hill’s book Think and Grow Rich, and even Wallace Wattles’ book The Science of Getting Rich, she presented the information and facts in a way that suited modern tastes.

You see, one of the things about esoteric processes like the law of attraction manifestation is that people are put off by language which they do not understand and cannot relate to.

In seeking to find a popular presentation of the concepts behind the law of attraction, Rhonda Byrne did us all a great favor. She made manifestation easily understandable – if you want to know more about it, you can look at this website – and introduced a whole generation of people who would not otherwise have heard of manifestation to the idea or reality creation.

But the question is always the same when it comes to matters like this: “Can I make it work for myself? Can I get what I want by visualizing with the power of my mind?”

And that of course is more problematic because one thing that one comes up time and time again wherever one looks on the subject of manifestation and law of attraction is reports of people’s failure to achieve anything. It seems few get what they want by means of techniques that have been presented to them as totally reliable and simple and straightforward.

Yet as anybody has tried manifestation will know, it’s not a simple process, and no matter what we might like to believe about creating reality with power of our minds, it takes both skill and practice, and probably also a good mentor and tutor before we are able to actually do anything of the kind.

You see, some people will say that the way to do it is to visualize what you want in great detail, indeed, in minute detail, while others will say that the way to get it is to simply picture the broad image of what you want in general terms, and then to surrender to the universe.

These are two very different approaches, and it’s extraordinary that the same aspect of human psychology (or, some would say, parapsychology) can be presented in such very different ways.

Is there actually any way of reconciling these different approaches?

Yes, the fact of the matter is that there are ways in which you can reconcile this difference.

Video – Manifestation


I’ve recently been see a presentation by Mike Dooley, one of the foremost authors of the current generation on the law of attraction manifestation.

He makes the point that most of us specifically ask for tiny details – for example if you’re trying to get a relationship you might specify the exact hair color and height and eye color of the person that you want to meet – but in doing this, we are restricting the universe’s ability to set in motion a course of events that will lead to our desired outcome.

On the other hand, if you ask for something that is general like a heartfelt relationship which is going to make your heart sing with joy, then what you’re asking for is something so general that the universe has ample opportunity to present this to you in many different ways, while at the same time being able to satisfy your needs.

You see the point about Mike Dooley’s approach to the manifestation dilemma is that really what you should be attaching to is an outcome “concept” like happiness, prosperity, abundance, a great relationship, job fulfilment and so on.

You are not attaching to any specific details which might restrict the ability of the universe to deliver what you want.

In the past, it’s notable that most people who spoke about manifestation have advised us to imagine everything in detail about your desired objective – exactly the process that Mike Dooley says will restrict the universe’s ability to give you what you want.

His approach is to say, “Well yes, details do have a role in the process of manifestation: their purpose is to in make your desired objective seem real and vivid, but at the same time you mustn’t attach to the details of what your visualization consists of.”

It’s a very sensible approach, and it’s one I don’t think I’ve really seen epitomized anywhere else – except possibly in the nearest approaches to it which are something like: visualize, ask for what you want, send it out into the universe, and let go of your desires.

This is obviously a similar approach in concept, although it’s not (in my experience) as refined or as detailed in its presentation as Mike Dooley’s explanation of how you can enjoy attracting your reality.

You see the entirety of creation is available to you, and it’s important that you appreciate how significant the process of manifestation actually is – it really is a way you can change your life.

One final thing I want to add before concluding this brief introduction to the subject of manifestation is this: years and years ago, I attended José Silva’s “Silva Mind Control” course which was basically about manifestation, although I don’t recall those words have been used.

It was presented as being about creating the life you want – which to me is manifestation.

In these processes we covered many aspects of the techniques that can be used to formulate a positive attitude of mind which could lead to you getting what you want, but one thing that really did receive emphasis was the necessity to be in what is known as the “alpha state”.

Very few people seem to be talking about this in relation to manifestation these days, but it is absolutely essential that when you’re trying to manifest something and you go into your visualization to explain to the universe – nay, demand of the universe – what you want, that you are in a relaxed state of mind which is predominantly measured by brain frequencies in the alpha band of between 10 and 14 cps.

So it’s interesting that people don’t talk about this, but relaxation absolutely is the first step in manifestation, and occurs before the visualization of your desired objective.

Manifestation and The Law of Attraction

Many people think the concept of manifestation is a difficult one, but the reality is rather different – in fact it’s something that’s been around since the human race evolved consciousness, and it’s a fairly natural and easy process for anybody to engage in.

Now I know if you’ve tried this and you failed to manifest anything, you’re going to be doubtful about the truth of that statement! One problem is that many people’s expectations were raised far too high by the publication of The Secret in 2006.

Manifest whatever you wish

You can manifest anything, including the relationship you want!

In reality, The Secret manifested a lot of money for the authors, but it didn’t manifest much success for a lot of people who tried to use it! I’ve seen one of the criticisms that’s been levelled at The Secret many times over is that if you fail to manifest anything using the Law of Attraction, then the blame appears to fall on you for not using the techniques correctly…

Yet somehow it never seems to fall on people who write about the Law of Attraction (for either being opportunists who don’t really know how it works – not that I’m suggesting anything in The Secret was remotely of that nature, because it wasn’t –  or because they don’t fully understand it.)

Now what I know about the Law of Attraction is that it’s a reliable and extraordinarily powerful tool that the human mind has at its disposal – but it does require certain preconditions to be fulfilled before it will work for you.

One of those preconditions, regrettably, is that you have to believe implicitly in what you’re trying to achieve – and there’s the stumbling block for most people! You see, it’s rather difficult to believe in the Law of Attraction until you’ve had the proof that it works by manifesting something for yourself.

And of course if you have limiting beliefs which prevent you from establishing complete certainty about the reality of the process then you’re in a double bind which can be very difficult to overcome.

Now having said all of that, one of the best ways of overcoming such difficulties is to find ways of manifesting small things that are believable, which you can actually accept as possible, and then base your future objectives on the back of your previous successes so that you increasingly find higher and more difficult objectives – that that is to say, more difficult in terms of your belief system – in a progressive series of manifestations which could be summed up quite simply as “success breeds success”.!

Now I’m very keen on the Law of Attraction – read more about it here – because it’s actually produced some remarkable and extraordinary changes in my life over the years, but I will allow that the success I’ve had with it hasn’t been always consistent, and that in fact, I could quite happily have wished for many more benefits than I managed to achieve – my success rate probably ranges around 25% or something like that.

And I will also admit that when I don’t succeed using the Law of Attraction, there’s often a very good and usually obvious reason – I’m not putting in enough energy, or not taking the process seriously enough, or perhaps I don’t even want what I claim I wish to manifest enough to make it appear in my life.

Manifestation is not a simple process – well, it isn’t simple in terms of our human perspective, but from a spiritual perspective it’s the simplest and most natural thing you could ever imagine – you see, we are equipped, each and every one of us, with a brain that is enabled (by some spiritual mechanism) to connect with the divine power above and all around us, the creative force behind the universe.

When you have the ability to tap into this creative force, when you can actually ask it clearly and simply for whatever you desire, and you’re motivated by a fairly strong set of beliefs and intentions that fall within a positive framework, you can almost always rely on the Law of Attraction to generate what you want.

So if you’d like to read more about this, the place to go is my website on the subject, and in fact, you’ll be glad to know that I’ve written two of them, which you can find up above. Both of these websites are designed to explain the Law of Attraction to anyone who is interested in manifestation, and I hope you find them helpful.

Use the power of visualization

You can use the power of visualization to overcome any sexual problems such as delayed ejaculation or premature ejaculation – perhaps even erectile dysfunction.

Now I know this may seem like a radical idea, but the fact of the matter is that many of the sexual dysfunctions originate in the mind – not the body, or at least, it might be more accurate to say that perhaps they originate in a combination of psychosomatic and psychological issues.

Which means of course, that while you should always get medical advice for any issue that you may be facing, it’s also a good idea to investigate the possibility of using psychological techniques such as visualization and manifestation.

If you’re thinking manifestation is a technique that is just used to create abundance and prosperity or perhaps financial wealth, then think again! The same principles can be used for anything that you wish to manifest in the world, whether internal to your own mind or external in the physical world around you.

In terms of your own mind, what we’re talking about here is a psychological shift which originates in your visualization of the new outcome – in this case, overcoming your sexual dysfunctions and functioning normally in bed with a timely ejaculation.

You see, many of the problems that cause psychosexual problems originate in emotional issues such as anger, resentment, guilt, shame and fear – and the cure for these lies not only in psychodynamic psychotherapy, but also in simply “reprogramming” your brain with a different reality.

What this appears to mean in practice is that you can actually use techniques of visualization and manifestation to manifest a different state of sexual confidence, just as you might use them to manifest a relationship, or to improve a relationship in which you’re currently experiencing disharmony.

The essence of all manifestation is that you start with a clear intention – in other words you must have a clear objective, a defined outcome, something that’s really important to you, which generates a lot of emotional energy and satisfaction for you.

And furthermore that must be something you can sustain energetically over a period of time – it’s no use having a worthwhile objective now, but losing your motivation in a few weeks, because you’re distracted by what you’re doing on a day-to-day basis..

So once you’ve found something that has the ability to sustain your energy and desire over a longish period of time then you need to consider the degree to which you actually want to achieve that outcome – are you passionate about it, do you really have a strong desire and fervent expectation that it will happen?

For these are the fuels of emotional manifestation – visualization, the emotional energy of desire, the certainty of belief, the absolute necessity of expectancy – and of course the absolute requirement that you take action in some form or another.

So in what form will you be taking action? Well here, you’re visualizing whatever it represents to you to have a perfect sexual performance, full of confidence and vitality, imagining it in detail, in all the detail that you need to create in your mind a visualization which enables you to believe that you are looking at a picture of your future self in a different reality.

Video – hypnosis and visualization

This might seem like a strange idea, dealing with sexual issues using mental techniques like visualization, but in actual fact it’s no different than self hypnosis, which you might be more willing to accept the possibility for change in your own future.

Indeed, in that respect, it’s absolutely possible to use self hypnosis tapes – of which there are an infinite supply on the Internet, or at least so it would seem – you can download them from many different websites, and they are, or can be, highly effective.

Most authentic websites that are operating with integrity will offer you free samples of each recording so that you can test them before you download them. However, if you’re not of the frame of mind where can engender the discipline to visualize your desired outcome of sexual competency twice a day, then get hold of a self hypnosis tape and use that instead.

If you are using visualization, you need to sit down in a chair, or lie down in bed (which can make you go to sleep), and then you need to physically relax every part of your body until you have transitioned into what’s known as the alpha state.

The alpha wave state is this particular state of relaxation where your brain operates at a specific cycle of electrical activity – and it’s the electrical activity of your brain determines the state of mind you enter, a slightly altered state of consciousness where you’re in connection with your intuition and the deeper parts of your creative subconscious mind.

In this state it’s possible to visualize images very powerfully, and it’s also proven that the imagery will convince the subconscious mind that you are living that reality here and now – the subconscious mind can’t tell the difference between imagination and reality. By using this technique, you going to find your expectations of yourself change, and indeed the physical reality you are living in bed will change too!

Now, having said all that, this is an act of faith, and it is an unusual idea – but once again, the overall principle of manifestation is that no matter what it is you’re trying to manifest, be it a mental change or physical change, you can actually do that easily enough, simply by picturing a vivid image of what it is you want to achieve in your mind.

I suspect that for many men, sustaining belief may be quite difficult because in the early stages of transition from where you are now to where you want to be, you will still experience sexual “failure” – and this could impact massively on your belief about your ability to control your sexual outlet.

However, if you keep going, you can find that at some point you begin to notice that your sexual performance gradually starts to improve, moving from a place where you’re uncertain, and your ejaculation may be taking place much too fast or much too slowly, to a place where you are actually beginning to sense that you have much more control of how quickly you orgasm and ejaculate.

It may also be useful to use self hypnosis with visualization to change your mental attitude to sex and perhaps also to the whole orientation and dynamic of the relationship between you and your partner, so that you come to see it as one of equality –  rather than viewing it as you “having” to serve a woman in terms of pleasuring her.

No matter how strange you find these ideas, I highly recommend you should try them because it’s only by the experience of the power of your own mind that you will be able to step into a place of strength which will allow you to satisfy a woman and yet at the same time take your own pleasure from the act of lovemaking.

Delayed ejaculation isn’t a simple problem to cure, but by using an two fold approach which adopts both physical and mental processes, you’re much more likely to achieve success and be functioning normally in bed within a few months.