A young couple announce to their families and friends that they are in love and engaged to be married. This means, their parents and relatives hope, that during the learning and courtship period they have come to know each other so well that they have had the wisdom of Solomon in choosing the one person, above all the billions of human beings on this planet, with whom they can live happily until death do them part – either by death or by means of relationship break up.
Presumably they have found out about each other’s qualities and meet each other’s emotional needs for sympathy, understanding, encouragement. Love is, after all, based on all of these qualities and more…. so why do people break up?
Hard to know, in every case, but you could certainly blame it on lack of mutual respect and understanding. The break up is a hard path to follow; some people avoid the pain of breaking up by avoiding the pain of getting into relationships. others never fully recover form that pain….. and yet, and yet, there are ways to avoid the break up. Keep the romance alive, for one. And also, if you do break up, use something like Text Your Ex Back to recover the original relationship you had with your spouse.
However, if you know some of the practical aspects of getting along as a twosome and the changing roles in modern marriage, all this may seem a trivial and far cry from sexual responsibility.
But it is all evidence of love and willingness to adapt to mutual needs and capacities—or incapacities. Social restrictions may be seen to-day not only among newlyweds but also on the part of their parents who readjust with an unexpected division of labour necessitated by the disappearance of household help, the cost of plumbers and electricians, and so on.
Before they formally announce their intention to marry, the fiancé who is going to be a pathologist and the prospective bride who is studying to become an interior decorator know that he will never be a millionaire and that she wants to continue to work after marriage.
These personal decisions should be and usually are clearly understood between them. It is to be hoped that they have learned a good deal about their mutual qualities of companionship and compatibility, begun to tolerate each other’s faults, to confide without chagrin, to share many interests and cheerfully accept lack of enthusiasm for others.
The engaged pair have made a start towards sexual understanding. Some have enjoyed intercourse; others will make the engagement period a preview of marital love. By this time they perhaps know whether or not they want children and when they want to start their family.
The period of engagement is the time for other forms of understanding, for important starts on mutual social adjustments. For instance, there is the matter of getting along with the prospective in-laws.
Even these days, when families often live far from their parents and relatives, it is impossible to pretend that they are not there, that they do not matter; they do.
Some in-laws are heaven-sent; they have lives of their own and recognize their children’s independence, but are on hand to help when the babies are born or in other emergencies.
Some parents are over-possessive, financially dependent, ill, or of another religion. It takes time to get used to in-laws ; it may take years after marriage to dislike your wife’s mother thoroughly or to appreciate the dry humour and warm understanding behind Uncle Joe’s starchy manners.
The pair have to decide about friends. It is not always possible to love your wife’s college room-mate, or to keep getting out more beer for Good Old Peter, your husband’s buddy. But it is possible to arrive at a modus vivendi and to enjoy mutual friends even in a romantic relationship..
There are decisions about the way the two, as a family, will spend their income—whether they want to live in a rented flat for a while or buy their own home ; get along with the old jalopy or start out with something new ; how much they should save, spend on liquor or on recreation.
They ought to learn how to adjust to areas of serious disagreement in anything from politics to how long we wait for people who airily arrive an hour late for dinner with a fine disregard for other guests. The engagement is always an exciting and sometimes exhausting period when the young couple make their preparations for their wedding, be it large or small, in church or at the registrar’s office.
At the risk of being controversial, I just like to make the point that one of the things that can affect sexual dysfunction in men is a lack of self-confidence, and therefore it’s a good idea to do everything you can to maximize your sense of self-confidence before you enter into a sexual relationship.
Now you may think that self-confidence is pretty insignificant thing it comes to making love to a woman, but having worked as a therapist for a number of years now, I can assure you that many cases of premature ejaculation and delayed ejaculation are based entirely in emotional issues rather than physical issues.
For example, anger is a common cause of premature ejaculation, and fear is a common cause of delayed ejaculation. Although these are sweeping generalisations, there is great deal of truth in the suggestion that emotional issues have a massive role to play in the origin and etiology of such sexual problems.
Which raises the interesting question, of course, of what you can do about these problems if you happen to have them. Now I am only making a suggestion here, But I think that one of the things that increases male confidence considerably is having a healthy body, with muscular form, in the type of shape that women tend to find attractive.
Sorry if this sounds a bit like gender stereotyping, but there is plenty of research to suggest that actually when a man has a body that conforms to the so-called golden ratio, then women will find him much more attractive. Now I’m not suggesting that finding a way to build a better body is all that is necessary to have a good relationship with a woman, because that would clearly be ridiculous — however, the point is that if you’re in a competitive market to dating, then this is a good starting point that gives you a head start over the other men who might be looking to have a relationship with the same woman!
So The best way to build the body that women find attractive is to use a fitness programme specifically tailored to your individual needs — and I just happen to know that the Adonis golden ratio is such a system. It will help you to lose weight fast, it will help you to build a better body shape, and it will only to put on lean muscle and lose fat.
Indeed, if there is a better way of shaping your body, and I don’t know about it yet!
now I know that the Internet is full of ridiculous diet programs that lure people in with the promise of all kinds advantages — however in the case of the Adonis golden ratio, a simple look at the before and after photographs which adorn the website will demonstrate you beyond question that actually there is a really significant advantage to be gained from building body that is more muscular and less fat.
It isn’t actually even a matter of sexual attraction — because in fact although I am right in suggesting that women do find a particular body shape attractive, the truth of the matter is that it’s actually about looking good and feeling great — even the weediest guys on the website look transformed after using the Adonis golden ratio!
So all You have to do is take the plunge, and make the decision the accident build a better body, look fitter and healthier, and take pride in your appearance — and while I now suspect is a risk of sounding a bit like your mother, the fact of the matter is that you know as well as I do that and attractive body is not only a confidence booster, but is actually really like to make it more attractive to women, and is much more likely to make you sexually adept.
Venus Factor For Women
Interestingly enough, the author of the Venus Factor For Women is the same as the author of the Adonis Golden Ratio for men — no coincidence, considering that the man in question, John Barban, has devoted his life to bodybuilding, weight training, dieting, rapid weight loss, and the conversion of fatty tissue to muscular tissue.
Furthermore, he is an absolute expert in the field of human potential development, nutritional supplementation, and all-round good guy!
Now, with such a CV behind him, how could he possibly fail to help you lose weight fast?!
Joking aside, the fact of the matter is that if you want to lose weight fast, there really is no better way of doing it and choosing one of these programs, depending on your gender, because what you will happen is that you’ll be absolutely got pounds in 10 weeks, convert belly fat musculature shoe, and do it all with a good-natured support of the whole community of people who are rooting for your success.
Delayed orgasm and slow ejaculation is often due to low sexual arousal, even when the man has a hard erection. One of the cures for this of course is to raise his level of sexual arousal by using different types of stimulation.
One of this slightly more controversial or unusual stimulation techniques that may be used for this purpose is prostate stimulation. It’s regrettable that a lot of men think that any kind of anal stimulation is an indication of latent homosexuality.
The reality, of course, is that any trigger which can increase man’s level of sexual arousal is potentially an excellent way of encouraging him to ejaculate normally during intercourse. If we accept the thesis, as indeed plenty of evidence suggests we must, that delayed ejaculation (click here for more information) is the result of low sexual arousal, even in the presence of an erection, then clearly anything that a man can do to increase his subjective level of sexual arousal is going to help him ejaculate.
Men have reported to me that they have found nipple stimulation, testicle stimulation, anal stimulation, stimulation of the perineum, and in particular stimulation of the prostate gland, Highly effective in increasing their level of arousal to point at which normal intercourse could trigger ejaculation.
One of the benefits of a program of establishing trigger points for ejaculation is that it can offer the opportunity Of encouraging intimacy in foreplay with your partner. This feeds into the fact that in many relationships were delayed ejaculation is a factor, there is a low level of open and honest communication between the partners, and Probably even less discussion about sexual activity than other issues of mutual concern.
So exercises that involve the exploration of orgasm triggers can serve two functions: first, they can literally help the man to ejaculate by increasing his arousal, and secondly, they can establish greater intimacy between sexual partners because they involve a shared activity which is both emotionally and physically intimate, and which leads to a more relaxed and open attitude towards sexual interaction between them.
Now, I know that not all men with delayed ejaculation will be interested in exploring prostate stimulation, but for those who have an open mind, I highly recommend it as route to exploring ways in which it may be possible to reach orgasm and ejaculate more easily. Those men who have tried it, always report to me that they have found it to be both a pleasurable experience, and an easier and quicker route to achieve ejaculation.
I think, faced with the prospect of several months of in-depth psychotherapy or a quick fix using a physical trigger such as this, most men will be clear that the more desirable option is to get active in intimate exploration of their bodies with their partners, and in doing so save themselves a great deal of time and potentially a great deal of anxiety about their non-ejaculation.
Men who are finding it difficult to ejaculate during intercourse, whether that is a husband who can’t ejaculate during intercourse, or a boyfriend who can’t ejaculate during sex, it can be a very rewarding and intimate experience to engage one’s partner in a search for “trigger points”.
It’s important to understand that one of the reasons delayed ejaculation is regarded as difficult to treat by many so-called “experts” is that it comes in many forms and for many reasons.
Classically it’s regarded as a product of emotional conflicts such as fear, anger, hostility, or detachment, in particular detachment from a sexual partner or from one’s own inner world of sexuality. However, it’s equally possible for delayed ejaculation to be the product of idiosyncratic masturbation techniques, such as thrusting hard and fast against the mattress in a prone position.
Since there are so many causes of delayed ejaculation, it can take time and effort to tease out, in any individual case, what’s actually lying behind it, which probably accounts for the supposed difficulty in treating it.
However, there are many different techniques available for the treatment of delayed ejaculation, and provided that they are work through in a systematic manner, I don’t actually think it’s a difficult problem to solve. The difficulty arises more from the fact that many men who are in a relationship that is, shall we say “challenged”, are more likely to be resistant to exploring their relationship and treating their delayed ejaculation.
In other words, curing the delayed ejaculation becomes more challenging because a man isn’t willing to look at the relationship issues which actually maybe underlying it. If it’s a simple case of idiosyncratic masturbation, it’s obviously a lot easier to deal with difficulties in ejaculation by applying suitable re-sensitization techniques and showing the man how to masturbate in a different way, and teaching his body to become more sensitive to sexual stimulation.
So the message here really is the treatment needs to be carefully adapted to every individual case, and there is no universal panacea which will solve the problem. Having said that, is certainly a truism than delayed ejaculation treatment that with the clear intention on the part of man and his partner to solve the problem, and the willingness to examine the issues that might be lying behind it, the problem can be solved in almost every case. I firmly believe that the natural instinct of men to engage in sexual intercourse, with the end result being natural ejaculation, is the fuel that fires any recovery from inhibition of ejaculation.
One of the best ways to deal with delayed ejaculation is get the help of a sex therapist or counselor who is experienced in this field, But the truth of the matter is that many men are embarrassed about the fact they can’t ejaculate during intercourse. That’s hardly surprising, since we regard this is the natural way of making love, and any variation can be seen as quite peculiar. So the next best option is to use a home treatment program, such as the one that is available on this website.
To close this short piece I’d just like to remind you of some of the options that are available for dealing with delayed ejaculation: these include changing your lovemaking techniques and sexual techniques to produce orgasim to those most likely to make you ejaculate, learning how to make a woman come so that you both get pleasure from intercourse or sexual interaction, adding orgasm triggers such as prostate and nipple stimulation, and spending time on sensate focus to build intimacy.
Yes, that is no exaggeration. I believe that Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever Is a program that can provide women with a quicker and easier route to relationship than many of the other or widely known options such as therapy and counseling. You see, one of the things about Internet programs is that they are available to all, regardless of income, and they are available at any time of day or night, and you can go back and we visit the information provided as many times as may be necessary for you to understand clearly what is being said.
And that information certainly covers all aspects of relationship — including communication, intimacy, gender roles, what you may expect from the opposite sex, and how to build trust and intimacy. You see, if I asked you right now what you mean by intimacy, I think you would probably give me a very different explanation of the word then the person standing next to you.
And that emphasises exactly where we fall into difficulty in our relationships: what one person means by one thing, another person thinks of as something completely different. When they try and communicate about this, confusion arises, not to mention to stress, anxiety, and obviously a breakdown of trust.
So where are you going to get the information that might help you avoid such difficulties? Well, there’s a program on the Internet called Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever – and you can read about it here – which is written by doyennes of Internet marketing and relationship advice, Claire Casey and Mike Fiore. I’ve written many times about the potential benefits of Internet programs as a means of establishing trust and intimacy, and I make no apology from repeating myself here.
You see, I believe that this program is one of the best available anywhere. I think that it can help you to build a relationship because it explains to you exactly what it is about the partner that enables you to establish close connection and intimacy.
For example, although Capture His Heart is a program designed for women, it clearly explains every aspect of male behaviour and male gender expectations and roles. Now, the power of this lies in the fact that most women actually have very little understanding of male behaviour, thoughts and feelings.
This of course is not to say that men have any greater understanding of women because they quite obviously do not — it’s merely to point out that if you’re a woman trying to get into a relationship with a man, it might well be extremely helpful to have a guide like capture his heart to help you understand what it is that you’re dealing with!
Now I’ve written a great deal on the Internet over the years about relationships, so I know what I’m talking about when I say that there are few, if any, programs as good as this one available to people who want an intimate relationship — specifically, as I say, in the case of Capture His Heart, relationship advice provided for women.
So I read the site in which you can review various aspects of this fascinating programme, mostly by giving you insight into what it contains rather than opinion as to the value of the contents. I believe that you can make up your own mind about what you wish to purchase of the Internet, including whether or not you want to buy an ebook of Capture His Heart.
All this talk of delayed ejaculation can of course make us oblivious to the fact that sex is actually great, a lot of people, much of the time. Often the factors that make sex less than perfect are not sexual dysfunction but issues of self-confidence and body image. You to look any further than the way in which anxiety can cause premature ejaculation to see how true this is.
So one of the things that actually can be really helpful besides offering information about sexual dysfunction is like a lady ejaculation is providing information that can just help relationships in general way — for example by providing dating tips, or perhaps providing information about diets which could help women feel more confident when they’re naked with a man. We all know that women are extremely sensitive to body image, and feel that they are constantly being judged by men when they’re making love.
The truth is, interestingly enough, that men are a damn’ sight less judgemental of women’s bodies than most women are, And it’s interesting to know that Most women feel a lot more self-conscious about how women judged them than they do about how men judge them. So what is the takeaway information from this?
Well, I think to me it is something about about providing dating tips and advice for women which will allow them to feel confident in their relationships with men. And that makes confident when they’re making love, as well is confident when they’re not in bed! I’ve been looking through a lot of information on the Internet and I found a program called Capture His Heart and Make Him Love You Forever, which while it sounds a bit like one of those cheesy programs you can get That purport to solve all your relationship sexual problems forever, actually turns out to be quite good. I’ve written a review of capture his heart making love you forever, which you can see by clicking here. I strongly recommend it to all women who want a confidence boost about their relationships with men.
Should you need more practical information about sexual techniques, then I also happen to the site about that! You can see my information on sexual techniques by clicking here.
An important distinction that has to be emphasized is that orgasm or the feeling of achieving a release during sexual intercourse is a cerebral occurrence – it’s actually something that happens exclusively in the mind, notwithstanding the overwhelming bodily sensations that are associated with it. When men and their partners try to discuss the idea of delayed ejaculation, they inevitably tend to wrongly equate these two different occurrences with each other. Contrary to popular perceptions, orgasm and ejaculation are two entirely separate events!
Ejaculation, however, is a reflex response which is triggered by sufficient stimulation to the male organ and sexually sensitive nerve endings elsewhere in the body. Science has not yet identified the exact location sexual orgasm happens within the brain, but much is known about the neural pathways by which the physical reaction of ejaculation is triggered.
For those who are interested, one suggestion is that when sexual arousal reaches a certain threshold, the emission of semen into the farthest point of the the urethra builds up the pressure at the root of the penis, and this in turn triggers a whole set of automatic reactions which includes flexing of the pubococcygeal muscle.
The autonomic nervous system is in control as far as ejaculation is concerned, while sexual arousal is controlled by the voluntary nervous system.
As it is, medical professional have long been acquainted with delayed ejaculation and evolution of the name given to this peculiar function probably mirrors in some part, the research establishment’s evolving attitude to the condition: ejaculatory incompetence, ejaculatory over-control, retarded ejaculation, and finally delayed ejaculation.
The evolving nomenclature is illustrative of, from my point of view, a slowly increasing level of respect for the men who are having sexual problems with their partners owing to their unique ejaculation patterns during sexual intercourse.
What is particularly perturbing to researchers is that most of these men are able to ejaculate normally when they are masturbating. This fact has given rise to the belief that there might be many relationship issues associated with failure to achieve orgasm and ejaculate during sexual intercourse. Naturally, one must be a little bit cautious about trying to find an explanation in the dynamics between a couple.
It’s highly likely that a man’s apparent inability to ejaculate even when a partner performs fellatio on him, during actual intercourse, or through direct manual stimulation by a partner could only mean that none of these activities provide a heightened level of stimulation that a man may have learned to perform on his own organ while pleasuring himself.
We know that the body can be conditioned to get used to some unique levels of stimulation, so it’s always wise to initially find out whether or not the delay in ejaculating can be attributed to the fact that the man is able to apply hard, rough, or high-frequency pressure during self pleasuring, in a way that is not simulated in the course of sexual activity with a partner.
If the problem is, in fact, caused by a simple mismatch in techniques, the cure will be in the form of a physical retraining of the body, the penis and the brain, to respond to much more gentle stimulation of the kind that can bring about a climax during sexual intercourse.
Needless to say, counsellors and sex therapists often base their actions on the supposition that that the relationship is the primary cause of delayed ejaculation.
Quite frankly, there’s sufficient ground for this school of thought. I have been acquainted with numerous couples where a slowly increasing attitude of hostility has degraded intimacy to such a degree that the man no longer finds gratification in sex, but in fact resents it, while simultaneously finding himself powerless to reach out to his partner in a way that could possibly open a way to a mutually agreeable solution to these problems.
Moreover, even without hostility, anger, or any other emotion on the part of the male towards the woman, there may well be a specific type of personality who is predisposed to delayed ejaculation.
When one reads the scientific literature, this personality type appears to be a person who is in some way disconnected to his personal preferences to induce sexual arousal, who is often unable to realize just how aroused he is when indulging in any sexual intercourse, who regards sexual activity as a duty for which he is responsible, who sees himself as responsible for his female partner’s pleasure, and who believes that her pleasure must come before his own and is the priority during sex. These persons often, whether consciously or not, see themselves as the “mighty purveyor of sex”, grinding on (sometimes to no avail) to steer sex to a successful conclusion.
It is likewise observable that most of the partners of men in this situation are almost always unmotivated in the matter of sex, and have an expectation that the male is implicitly responsible for their sexual pleasure. The truth is, they should be without a doubt responsible for their personal pleasure. In such cases, it’s absolutely essential to be able to re-educate a couple and make available some actionable sexual information. This way, the couple’s ideas and beliefs around sex and erotic gratification are brought closer to reality.
Finally, it has been observed that men who have this type of subservient sexual profile tend to have a lack of solid grasp of their personal level of arousal. Often there seems to be a certain disconnect, or a blank space, in the sexual experience, so that they have come to associate their internal process of sexual pleasure with the external dynamics of engaging in activity with a spouse or partner.
What I mean by this is that their own erotic world normally doesn’t serve as a source of sexual stimulus and pleasure: they are left in a frustrating state of sexual confusion in which they propose to engage in sex devoid of all the emotional and physical tools that are necessary for it to be an enjoyable and intimate exercise.
The very fact that delayed ejaculation has been known by so many names (anejaculation, delayed orgasm, ejaculatory inhibition, retarded ejaculation, and more) demonstrates the complexity of the condition, and perhaps indicates the lack of agreement in how to treat it among sex therapists.
Indeed, curing delayed ejaculation relies very heavily on the experience of the therapist, flexibility in approach, and the willingness to “think outside the box”.
We will see what that means in practice later on.
One of the key diagnostic tools for any sexual and emotional problem is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). But this isn’t really helpful with delayed ejaculation because the DSM puts it under the heading of male orgasmic disorder. And in fact, as you can understand from the very name of the condition, this is more a problem with ejaculation than orgasm.
However, it’s worth looking at the definition the DSM offers: “Persistent or recurrent delay in reaching orgasm, or complete absence of orgasm, despite receiving sexual stimulation that should be adequate to bring a man to climax, and which causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty“. I don’t really know why a definition should require the man to suffer distress or difficulty. I mean, whether he does or he doesn’t, he’s got delayed ejaculation (DE for short).
I mean, it’s not like DE is hard to spot: a man who’s making love for 30 minutes or even longer without reaching an orgasmic climax has an issue with ejaculatory delay. He might even be masturbating for a similar length of time without coming.
Besides which, it’s inappropriate for a therapist or doctor to start judging whether or not a man’s sexual technique is adequate, and whether or not he’s receiving enough sexual stimulation, and whether or not his degree of sexual excitement is normal. But there you go. That’s what they do.
Here’s what Laci Green, sex commentator extraordinaire, has to say about this. She’s always worth a listen.
I think a much better diagnostic tool is what a man says about his own sexual performance. After all, if he’s making love for 30 minutes and he’s not coming, then he’s got delayed ejaculation.
And if he’s masturbating for an hour without ejaculating, then he’s definitely got it.
Now, I’d like you to appreciate that I’m not joking about this, because I know it has a massive effect on any couple where the man can’t reach orgasm during intercourse. It’s fair to say DE can have a much bigger impact on the woman than either premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. She might, for example, believe that she’s not attractive, because the man doesn’t find sex with her exciting enough to achieve climax.
Situational and Generalized
Delayed ejaculation is an interesting condition: sometimes it only occurs with one particular partner. In that case you have to assume that the cause of this ejaculatory dysfunction is because the man doesn’t want to have sex with that partner, or – whisper it – he doesn’t even like her.
Such intermittent problems are called “situational delayed ejaculation” (or situational DE for short). When delay occurs with every partner, it’s “generalized delayed ejaculation”.
By the way, before we go any further, it’s important to appreciate that some men find quick ejaculation more difficult as they get older: whether or not you define that as delayed ejaculation is up to you. It’s just a natural part of the ageing process, and certainly a different problem to prolonged intercourse without orgasm. That can affect men of any age.
A better, simpler way of defining the condition is to say it’s a sexual dysfunction where abnormally intense stimulation of the erect penis is necessary to achieve orgasm and ejaculation.
A moment of light relief.
Orgasm And Ejaculation Are Not The Same
We do know that orgasm and ejaculation have separate nervous pathways within the body, so in theory they are separate events.
That means that failure to ejaculate might have many causes. And indeed, it does: psychological causes, physical causes, medication causes, and psychosocial or psychosexual cause. (In case you’re wondering what psychosexual means, it means the man doesn’t know enough about sex to feel confident or competent, and the origin of his problem with ejaculating lies mostly about his inadequate sexual technique or performance. As if sex is a “performance”! But I daresay you know what I mean.)
Some people like classification: so much so that a couple of researchers have come up with 10 different types of delayed ejaculation. They say five of them are caused by physical or physiological problems, four of them by psychological problems, and one where delayed ejaculation is the result of another sexual dysfunction like low sexual desire.
But really, unless this helps treat the problem, what’s the point?
All we really need to do is point out that certain drugs can cause delayed ejaculation, as can nervous system problems such as those that develop in neuromuscular degenerative diseases and diabetes, for example. And then, unless you believe in the theory of penile insensitivity, we just about covered the physical causes.
The truth is that delayed ejaculation is usually caused by emotional issues, relationship issues, or psychosexual issues.
Here’s an interesting thing: a man with delayed ejaculation usually has an erection and can make love for a long time. Doesn’t that indicate that he’s aroused? Well remarkably enough, no it doesn’t. The truth is that many men with DE seem to be very unaroused, sexually.
And for that matter, here’s another interesting thing: a lot of people think that a ma who can make love for a long time during lovemaking is a desirable man in bed. Well, then, they might feel differently if they were making love for an hour without any sign of a climax.
So what can you do if you have delayed ejaculation?
The short answer that is — you’re not going to take any kind of medication as a solution, because there isn’t one available.
Instead, you’ll have to look at your emotional and psychosexual background. Now don’t groan….. I know you as a man might not be too keen on this kind of thing. But the question you have to ask yourself is: “Do I ever want to come during sex?” Or maybe that should be a statement: “Do I ever want to come during sex.”
Whichever is appropriate to you, the fact is, there’s a bit of work to be done to cure the problem. That’s because delayed ejaculation emerges from a complicated mixture of psychological issues.
For instance, how anxious are you about your sexual performance? To some degree most men are, because our culture promotes an idealistic view of a man’s sexual capacity (unlimited, enduring, unfailing. That kind of crap.). And if you’re anxious about your performance, you won’t “perform” as well as you might, because anxiety inhibits sexual responsivity and arousal.
Ironically, the same assumption (that a man can make love all night on demand with a penis of steel) prevents men with delayed ejaculation from seeking help. It’s the shame, you see.
Anyway, moving on, a sex therapist will typically put together a treatment program for delayed ejaculation based on careful inquiry into a man’s sexual experience and symptoms.
So that would include information about:
when he first noticed delayed ejaculation occurring
whether it’s been present all his life or only developed recently
what is relationship status is
his sexual orientation
the degree of shame he feels about sexual interaction with another person
how well he has conducted relationships with sexual partners in the past
the kind of experiences is had within relationships
his formative sexual experience the attitude to sex within his family
negative and positive messages received in the family about sex
current beliefs about how men should behave in a sexual relationship
information about how the man’s father and male ancestors would have seen sex
how comfortable he and they are with it
any sexual trauma in the family or the individual’s history
the extent to which an individual is stressed or relaxed
whether a man is anxious or depressed, obsessive or compulsive
whether he has the mental health challenges
whether he has any previous sexual difficulties
whether a man has any of those symptoms of sexual dysfunction
what his sex life is like
how his sex life has been in the past
what how he sees himself as a sexual being
what the history of the couple sexual relationship is
the degree to which the couple can communicate easily about sex
whether they want sexual interaction
how common sexual interaction is in the relationship
how sex typically works
who initiates and leads during sexual activity
the degree of sexual interaction – how often, how much
how often delayed ejaculation occurs
the kind of situations in which delayed ejaculation occurs
whether a man feels performance pressure
if a man experiences spectatoring or not
how good a man is at keeping an erotic focus
how well a couple can handle intense sexual stimulation
whether a man has any sexual aversions
if delayed ejaculation occurs with masturbation
the degree to which a man uses fantasies during sexual activity
how pleasurable he finds sexual stimulation by his partner
how well the couple handles the woman’s sexual desire
the degree of enjoyment or frustration that sex causes
how often intercourse takes place
whether the man ever ejaculates during intercourse
if a sex a spontaneous or planned…. and so on
Well, you get the idea, I’m sure. There are many factors that might have a bearing on delayed ejaculation, and it’s necessary to tease out all of them to get a complete picture of what’s going on in a relationship. Then you can begin a treatment regime.
A rather crucial point that requires much emphasis is that sexual orgasm or the feeling of reaching a climax during masturbation or sexual intercourse is a mental event or episode – it all happens mentally, exclusively in the mind, and this is true even though the perceived physical pleasure lies in the body. When men and their sexual partners try to focus on the topic of anorgamsia or retarded or delayed ejaculation, the tendency is usually to think of these two different occurrences as being the same. Contrary to popular opinions and widespread notions, orgasm and ejaculation are two entirely different and distinct events!
Ejaculation, however, is a bodily reflex response that is induced by persistent and repeated pleasurable physical pressure and stimulation to the penis and various other pleasure points such as the perineum, nipples and the base of the scrotum. Scientific researchers have not yet identified where sexual orgasm is located as a neural event within the brain, but there have been breakthroughs concerning synaptic pathways by which the physical function of ejaculation is mediated.
There are competing and even contradictory viewpoints but one conclusion is that when sensual or sexual arousal reaches a certain level of intensity, the flow of semen into the farthest point of the male urethra concentrates and increases the fluid pressure at the root of the penis, and this in turn sets in motion a number of reflex reactions which includes movement of the pubococcygeal muscle in a series of rhythmic pulsations – ejaculation is evidently controlled by the involuntary nervous system, while sexual arousal is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system.
As it is, medical researchers see delayed ejaculation as a real problem, and the evolution of the terminology represents the scientific community’s increasingly enlightened attitude to this syndrome ejaculatory incompetence, inhibited ejaculation, ejaculatory over-control, retarded ejaculation, and finally delayed ejaculation.
This nomenclature is illustrative of a slowly increasing level of respect for the men who are having problems in relationship or sexual dysfunction issues with their partners during sexual intercourse.
What is puzzling to researchers is that many sufferers are able to ejaculate during their own masturbation. This has given rise to the belief that relationship issues are associated with failure to achieve orgasm and ejaculate during partnered sex. However, a healthy dose of skepticism in looking at such ideas is needed.
There’s strong reason to suggest that a man’s failure to ejaculate even getting fellatio, during or when penetrating a partner, or through stimulation by a partner’s hand merely represents the fact that there’s the higher degree of stimulation during self-pleasuring is much more intense. A man may have learned to apply powerful self-stimulation to his penis while self-pleasuring.
It’s obvious that the human body can be trained to get used to some extraordinary levels of sexual stimulation, so it’s always wise to find out whether or not the problems with delayed ejaculation originate in the fact that the man on his own, using masturbation, can apply hard, firm, or high-frequency stroking, in a way that is not replicable during intercourse with another person.
There’s ample basis to assume that if this really is the cause of delayed ejaculation, the remedy clearly lies in reconditioning the body, the penis and the brain, so that they can respond to softer pleasuring of the kind that stimulates orgasm in intercourse.
In many instances, sexual therapists, counsellors and psychotherapists often adopt the attitude, the philosophical position, even, that the dynamics between the partners is to be seen as the primary cause of the condition.
To be fair, there is pretty good evidence and a basis for this rational line of thinking. In my years of therapy, and working as a therapist, I’ve come across a lot of sexually active couples who have become increasingly aggressive and hostile to each other and have neglected to maintain any degree of intimacy to the point where a the man in the relationship no longer enjoys intercourse, and secretly or not so secretly disdains the routine, while always simultaneously finding himself completely powerless to convey to his partner any meaningful dialogue and start a rational discussion to find a mutually acceptable answer or solution to these pernicious difficulties.
And even if there isn’t resentment, antagonism, or any other emotion on the part of the man towards the woman, there is, as some studies show, a specific type of individual which is prone to delayed ejaculation.
As often cited in scientific literature, this personality profile is quite likely a person who is somehow disconnected to his personal preferences to induce sexual arousal, who is often unaware of how aroused he is while doing sexual activities and intercourse, who looks at sex as a sort-of duty for which he is completely responsible, who sees his sexual partner’s pleasure and gratification during sexual intercourse as his own, exclusively male, responsibility, and who is totally convinced that the woman’s pleasure must rightly come first and is the the most important result of sexual interaction. These personalities – mostly male – generally, whether expressed or not, see themselves as the “mighty powerful provider of sex”, thrusting rhythmically (often against all the odds) to steer sex to a successful conclusion.
An interesting factor in this arrangement is that the majority of the partners of men in this situation are often somewhat passive when it comes to sex, and have a tacit understanding that it’s the male who is obligated to bring them sexual pleasure. In fact, they are without a doubt responsible for their personal pleasure. In such cases, it’s clearly imperative to help and provide instructions to the sex partners and make available some useful sexual information. Coached in such a way, the couple’s expectations and attitudes about sex and sexual gratification can be steered closer to reality.
Finally, it has been observed that men who have this kind of personality profile generally lack awareness of their own level of arousal. In a very real sense, there appears to be a certain gap, or a blank space, in the sexual experience, so that they have rendered dependent their internal process of sexual pleasure with the external dynamics of having sexual intercourse with a spouse or partner.
What can be deduced from all these is that their internal sexual model doesn’t serve as a divider of sexual stimulus and gratification: they are left in a frustrating state of arousal, of sexual confusion, and this means they are attempting to have sexual contact with another person without any of the essential tools that are necessary for the sex act to be a pleasurable and mutually satisfying experience.