Delayed Ejaculation Need Trouble You No More!

There isn’t a great deal of useful information on the Internet about delayed ejaculation, so if you want to get good information on this particular aspect of the problem, I strongly recommend that you visit one of my sites.

The first one is to be found here. This is a site in which the causes of delayed ejaculation and all of the issues that arise between members of the couple are discussed, along with possible cures and solutions which don’t involve expensive therapy with a personal therapist or repeated visits to a medical practitioner.

The second site that I’d like to introduce you to is here, it’s called long-lasting lovers, and is about overcoming the problem of being a far-too-long-lasting lover – in other words, it’s about finding a way to ameliorate the symptoms of delayed ejaculation so that you can reach orgasm in a timely fashion during intercourse.

Now I know that some of you will have read material on the Internet that suggests there are no cures available – but I wouldn’t be so dogmatic in saying this was the case. For me, the essence of curing delayed ejaculation is to find a methodology which suits you so that you are motivated to stick to it, and that you have the willpower and determination to find a way through to a conclusion.

In some cases of course the delayed ejaculation is known to hide symptoms of deeper troubles in the relationship, such as a lack of communication between partners. In circumstances like this, it’s obviously unlikely that a couple are going to be motivated to find a cure for the delayed ejaculation, since doing so would probably expose the difficulties that already exist between the members of the couple, as far as the sexual relationship is concerned.

It follows therefore that you’re going to not only be in required to look at your delayed Jack and find a solution to it, but also the issues which may underlie it, will also need to be examined and this can sometimes be painful.

Couples are able to adapt themselves to come only as relationship where the issues which need to be addressed to achieve deep intimacy are never explored.

Various mechanisms from a simple straightforward lack of communication to sexual dysfunction can be used unconsciously as a means of maintaining the status quo, and maintaining the difficulties at an unconscious level which is acceptable to both partners.

Now although it may be acceptable for a couple to have established a form of relationship in which communication and intimacy are absent, so they just “rub along together”, it’s a shame and disappointment for women in many circumstances that men are reluctant look at the issue of delayed ejaculation.

In other words, what I’m saying is that it’s frequently the woman who is inspired to motivate the man to find a solution to the problem because she wants the intimacy that she naturally feels during sexual intercourse.

Where men feel it’s much easier to obtain sexual relief than intimacy from intercourse, there’s less of a motivating factor for men to solve the delayed ejaculation problem – particularly if doing so would require them to establish a level of intimacy that they’re reluctant to explore.

Negotiating a pathway between these two aspects of the situation requires tact and diplomacy, and certainly a great deal of sensitivity on the part of the man – and it needs hardly emphasizing also that women who wish to achieve their desired outcome of normal intercourse need to be subtle and careful in how they approach this problem, otherwise they risk antagonising and alienating their partner or husband even further.

So rather than reiterate many of these points here, I’d like to emphasize that they’re all covered in my self-help treatment program which you can find online, and there are other useful sources of information about delayed ejaculation on the Internet.

I’ll just recommend one of them for you, which is this one. Good luck and I hope you are successful in finding a solution to this pernicious sexual difficulty

Delayed ejaculation and prostate stimulation

Delayed orgasm and slow ejaculation is often due to low sexual arousal, even when the man has a hard erection. One of the cures for this of course is to raise his level of sexual arousal by using different types of stimulation.

One of this slightly more controversial or unusual stimulation techniques that may be used for this purpose is prostate stimulation. It’s regrettable that a lot of men think that any kind of anal stimulation is an indication of latent homosexuality.

The reality, of course, is that any trigger which can increase man’s level of sexual arousal is potentially an excellent way of encouraging him to ejaculate normally during intercourse. If we accept the thesis, as indeed plenty of evidence suggests we must, that delayed ejaculation (click here for more information) is the result of low sexual arousal, even in the presence of an erection, then clearly anything that a man can do to increase his subjective level of sexual arousal is going to help him ejaculate.

Men have reported to me that they have found nipple stimulation, testicle stimulation, anal stimulation, stimulation of the perineum, and in particular stimulation of the prostate gland, Highly effective in increasing their level of arousal to point at which normal intercourse could trigger ejaculation.

One of the benefits of a program of establishing trigger points for ejaculation is that it can offer the opportunity Of encouraging intimacy in foreplay with your partner. This feeds into the fact that in many relationships were delayed ejaculation is a factor, there is a low level of open and honest communication between the partners, and Probably even less discussion about sexual activity than other issues of mutual concern.

So exercises that involve the exploration of orgasm triggers can serve two functions: first, they can literally help the man to ejaculate by increasing his arousal, and secondly, they can establish greater intimacy between sexual partners because they involve a shared activity which is both emotionally and physically intimate, and which leads to a more relaxed and open attitude towards sexual interaction between them.

Now, I know that not all men with delayed ejaculation will be interested in exploring prostate stimulation, but for those who have an open mind, I highly recommend it as route to exploring ways in which it may be possible to reach orgasm and ejaculate more easily. Those men who have tried it, always report to me that they have found it to be both a pleasurable experience, and an easier and quicker route to achieve ejaculation.

cropped-PA317318cropped.jpgI think, faced with the prospect of several months of in-depth psychotherapy or a quick fix using a physical trigger such as this, most men will be clear that the more desirable option is to get active in intimate exploration of their bodies with their partners, and in doing so save themselves a great deal of time and potentially a great deal of anxiety about their non-ejaculation.

Men who are finding it difficult to ejaculate during intercourse, whether that is a husband who can’t ejaculate during intercourse, or a boyfriend who can’t ejaculate during sex, it can be a very rewarding and intimate experience to engage one’s partner in a search for “trigger points”.

Delayed ejaculation happens for many reasons

It’s important to understand that one of the reasons delayed ejaculation is regarded as difficult to treat by many so-called “experts” is that it comes in many forms and for many reasons.

Classically it’s regarded as a product of emotional conflicts such as fear, anger, hostility, or detachment, in particular detachment from a sexual partner or from one’s own inner world of sexuality. However, it’s equally possible for delayed ejaculation to be the product of idiosyncratic masturbation techniques, such as thrusting hard and fast against the mattress in a prone position.

Since there are so many causes of delayed ejaculation, it can take time and effort to tease out, in any individual case, what’s actually lying behind it, which probably accounts for the supposed difficulty in treating  it.

However, there are many different techniques available for the treatment of delayed ejaculation, and provided that they are work through in a systematic manner, I don’t actually think it’s a difficult problem to solve. The difficulty arises more from the fact that many men who are in a relationship that is, shall we say “challenged”, are more likely to be resistant to exploring their relationship and treating their delayed ejaculation.

In other words, curing the delayed ejaculation becomes more challenging because a man isn’t willing to look at the relationship issues which actually maybe underlying it. If it’s a simple case of idiosyncratic masturbation, it’s obviously a lot easier to deal with difficulties in ejaculation by applying suitable re-sensitization techniques and showing the man how to masturbate in a different way, and teaching his body to become more sensitive to sexual stimulation.

So the message here really is the treatment needs to be carefully adapted to every individual case, and there is no universal panacea which will solve the problem. Having said that, is certainly a truism than delayed ejaculation treatment that with the clear intention on the part of man and his partner to solve the problem, and the willingness to examine the issues that might be lying behind it, the problem can be solved in almost every case. I firmly believe that the natural instinct of men to engage in sexual intercourse, with the end result being natural ejaculation, is the fuel that fires any recovery from inhibition of ejaculation.

One of the best ways to deal with delayed ejaculation is get the help of a sex therapist or counselor who is experienced in this field, But the truth of the matter is that many men are embarrassed about the fact they can’t ejaculate during intercourse. That’s hardly surprising, since we regard this is the natural way of making love, and any variation can be seen as quite peculiar. So the next best option is to use a home treatment program, such as the one that is available on this website.

To close this short piece I’d just like to remind you of some of the options that are available for dealing with delayed ejaculation: these include changing your lovemaking techniques and sexual techniques to produce orgasim to those most likely to make you ejaculate, learning how to make a woman come so that you both get pleasure from intercourse or sexual interaction, adding orgasm triggers such as prostate and nipple stimulation, and spending time on sensate focus to build intimacy.


Delayed Ejaculation

An important distinction that has to be emphasized is that orgasm or the feeling of achieving a release during sexual intercourse is a cerebral occurrence – it’s actually something that happens exclusively in the mind, notwithstanding the overwhelming bodily sensations that are associated with it. When men and their partners try to discuss the idea of delayed ejaculation, they inevitably tend to wrongly equate these two different occurrences with each other. Contrary to popular perceptions, orgasm and ejaculation are two entirely separate events!

Ejaculation, however, is a reflex response which is triggered by sufficient stimulation to the male organ and sexually sensitive nerve endings elsewhere in the body. Science has not yet identified the exact location sexual orgasm happens within the brain, but much is known about the neural pathways by which the physical reaction of ejaculation is triggered.

For those who are interested, one suggestion is that when sexual arousal reaches a certain threshold, the emission of semen into the farthest point of the the urethra builds up the pressure at the root of the penis, and this in turn triggers a whole set of automatic reactions which includes flexing of the pubococcygeal muscle.

The autonomic nervous system is in control as far as ejaculation is concerned, while sexual arousal is controlled by the voluntary nervous system.

As it is, medical professional have long been acquainted with delayed ejaculation and evolution of the name given to this peculiar function probably mirrors in some part, the research establishment’s evolving attitude to the condition: ejaculatory incompetence, ejaculatory over-control, retarded ejaculation, and finally delayed ejaculation.

The evolving nomenclature is illustrative of, from my point of view, a slowly increasing level of respect for the men who are having sexual problems with their partners owing to their unique ejaculation patterns during sexual intercourse.

What is particularly perturbing to researchers is that most of these men are able to ejaculate normally when they are masturbating. This fact has given rise to the belief that there might be many relationship issues associated with failure to achieve orgasm and ejaculate during sexual intercourse. Naturally, one must be a little bit cautious about trying to find an explanation in the dynamics between a couple.

It’s highly likely that a man’s apparent inability to ejaculate even when a partner performs fellatio on him, during actual intercourse, or through direct manual stimulation by a partner could only mean that none of these activities provide a heightened level of stimulation that a man may have learned to perform on his own organ while pleasuring himself.

We know that the body can be conditioned to get used to some unique levels of stimulation, so it’s always wise to initially find out whether or not the delay in ejaculating can be attributed to the fact that the man is able to apply hard, rough, or high-frequency pressure during self pleasuring, in a way that is not simulated in the course of sexual activity with a partner.

If the problem is, in fact, caused by a simple mismatch in techniques, the cure will be in the form of a physical retraining of the body, the penis and the brain, to respond to much more gentle stimulation of the kind that can bring about a climax during sexual intercourse.

Needless to say, counsellors and sex therapists often base their actions on the supposition that that the relationship is the primary cause of delayed ejaculation.

Quite frankly, there’s sufficient ground for this school of thought. I have been acquainted with numerous couples where a slowly increasing attitude of hostility has degraded intimacy to such a degree that the man no longer finds gratification in sex, but in fact resents it, while simultaneously finding himself powerless to reach out to his partner in a way that could possibly open a way to a mutually agreeable solution to these problems.

Moreover, even without hostility, anger, or any other emotion on the part of the male towards the woman, there may well be a specific type of personality who is predisposed to delayed ejaculation.

When one reads the scientific literature, this personality type appears to be a person who is in some way disconnected to his personal preferences to induce sexual arousal, who is often unable to realize just how aroused he is when indulging in any sexual intercourse, who regards sexual activity as a duty for which he is responsible, who sees himself as responsible for his female partner’s pleasure, and who believes that her pleasure must come before his own and is the priority during sex. These persons often, whether consciously or not, see themselves as the “mighty purveyor of sex”, grinding on (sometimes to no avail) to steer sex to a successful conclusion.

It is likewise observable that most of the partners of men in this situation are almost always unmotivated in the matter of sex, and have an expectation that the male is implicitly responsible for their sexual pleasure. The truth is, they should be without a doubt responsible for their personal pleasure. In such cases, it’s absolutely essential to be able to re-educate a couple and make available some actionable sexual information. This way, the couple’s ideas and beliefs around sex and erotic gratification are brought closer to reality.

Finally, it has been observed that men who have this type of subservient sexual profile tend to have a lack of solid grasp of their personal level of arousal. Often there seems to be a certain disconnect, or a blank space, in the sexual experience, so that they have come to associate their internal process of sexual pleasure with the external dynamics of engaging in activity with a spouse or partner.

What I mean by this is that their own erotic world normally doesn’t serve as a source of sexual stimulus and pleasure: they are left in a frustrating state of sexual confusion in which they propose to engage in sex devoid of all the emotional and physical tools that are necessary for it to be an enjoyable and intimate exercise.

Delayed (Retarded) Ejaculation Can Be Cured

The very fact that delayed ejaculation has been known by so many names (anejaculation, delayed orgasm, ejaculatory inhibition, retarded ejaculation, and more) demonstrates the complexity of the condition, and perhaps indicates the lack of agreement in how to treat it among sex therapists.

Indeed, curing delayed ejaculation relies very heavily on the experience of the therapist, flexibility in approach, and the willingness to “think outside the box”.

We will see what that means in practice later on.

One of the key diagnostic tools for any sexual and emotional problem is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). But this isn’t really helpful with delayed ejaculation because the DSM puts it under the heading of male orgasmic disorder. And in fact, as you can understand from the very name of the condition, this is more a problem with ejaculation than orgasm.

However, it’s worth looking at the definition the DSM offers: “Persistent or recurrent delay in reaching orgasm, or complete absence of orgasm, despite receiving sexual stimulation that should be adequate to bring a man to climax, and which causes marked distress or interpersonal difficulty“. I don’t really know why a definition should require the man to suffer distress or difficulty. I mean, whether he does or he doesn’t, he’s got delayed ejaculation (DE for short).

I mean, it’s not like DE is hard to spot: a man who’s making love for 30 minutes or even longer without reaching an orgasmic climax has an issue with ejaculatory delay. He might even be masturbating for a similar length of time without coming.

Besides which, it’s inappropriate for a therapist or doctor to start judging whether or not a man’s sexual technique is adequate, and whether or not he’s receiving enough sexual stimulation, and whether or not his degree of sexual excitement is normal. But there you go. That’s what they do.

Here’s what Laci Green, sex commentator extraordinaire, has to say about this. She’s always worth a listen.

I think a much better diagnostic tool is what a man says about his own sexual performance. After all, if he’s making love for 30 minutes and he’s not coming, then he’s got delayed ejaculation.

And if he’s masturbating for an hour without ejaculating, then he’s definitely got it. 

Now, I’d like you to appreciate that I’m not joking about this, because I know it has a massive effect on any couple where the man can’t reach orgasm during intercourse. It’s fair to say DE can have a much bigger impact on the woman than either premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. She might, for example, believe that she’s not attractive, because the man doesn’t find sex with her exciting enough to achieve climax.

Situational and Generalized

Delayed ejaculation is an interesting condition: sometimes it only occurs with one particular partner. In that case you have to assume that the cause of this ejaculatory dysfunction is because the man doesn’t want to have sex with that partner, or – whisper it – he doesn’t even like her.

Such intermittent problems are called “situational delayed ejaculation” (or situational DE for short). When delay occurs with every partner, it’s “generalized delayed ejaculation”.

By the way, before we go any further, it’s important to appreciate that some men find quick ejaculation more difficult as they get older: whether or not you define that as delayed ejaculation is up to you. It’s just a natural part of the ageing process, and certainly a different problem to prolonged intercourse without orgasm. That can affect men of any age.

A better, simpler way of defining the condition is to say it’s a sexual dysfunction where abnormally intense stimulation of the erect penis is necessary to achieve orgasm and ejaculation.

A moment of light relief.


Orgasm And Ejaculation Are Not The Same

We do know that orgasm and ejaculation have separate nervous pathways within the body, so in theory they are separate events.

That means that failure to ejaculate might have many causes. And indeed, it does: psychological causes, physical causes, medication causes, and psychosocial or psychosexual cause. (In case you’re wondering what psychosexual means, it means the man doesn’t know enough about sex to feel confident or competent, and the origin of his problem with ejaculating lies mostly about his inadequate sexual technique or performance. As if sex is a “performance”! But I daresay you know what I mean.)

Some people like classification: so much so that a couple of researchers have come up with 10 different types of delayed ejaculation. They say five of them are caused by physical or physiological problems, four of them by psychological problems, and one where delayed ejaculation is the result of another sexual dysfunction like low sexual desire.

But really, unless this helps treat the problem, what’s the point?

All we really need to do is point out that certain drugs can cause delayed ejaculation, as can nervous system problems such as those that develop in neuromuscular degenerative diseases and diabetes, for example. And then, unless you believe in the theory of penile insensitivity, we just about covered the physical causes.

The truth is that delayed ejaculation is usually caused by emotional issues, relationship issues, or psychosexual issues.PA317099


Here’s an interesting thing: a man with delayed ejaculation usually has an erection and can make love for a long time. Doesn’t that indicate that he’s aroused? Well remarkably enough, no it doesn’t. The truth is that many men with DE seem to be very unaroused, sexually.

And for that matter, here’s another interesting thing: a lot of people think that a ma who can make love for a long time during lovemaking is a desirable man in bed. Well, then, they might feel differently if they were making love for an hour without any sign of a climax.

So what can you do if you have delayed ejaculation?

The short answer that is — you’re not going to take any kind of medication as a solution, because there isn’t one available.

Instead, you’ll have to look at your emotional and psychosexual background. Now don’t groan….. I know you as a man might not be too keen on this kind of thing. But the question you have to ask yourself is: “Do I ever want to come during sex?” Or maybe that should be a statement: “Do I ever want to come during sex.”

Whichever is appropriate to you, the fact is, there’s a bit of work to be done to cure the problem. That’s because delayed ejaculation emerges from a complicated mixture of psychological issues.

For instance, how anxious are you about your sexual performance? To some degree most men are, because our culture promotes an idealistic view of a man’s sexual capacity (unlimited, enduring, unfailing. That kind of crap.). And if you’re anxious about your performance, you won’t “perform” as well as you might, because anxiety inhibits sexual responsivity and arousal.

Ironically, the same assumption (that a man can make love all night on demand with a penis of steel) prevents men with delayed ejaculation from seeking help. It’s the shame, you see.

Anyway, moving on, a sex therapist will typically put together a treatment program for delayed ejaculation based on careful inquiry into a man’s sexual experience and symptoms.

So that would include information about:

  • his age
  • when he first noticed delayed ejaculation occurring
  • whether it’s been present all his life or only developed recently
  • what is relationship status is
  • his sexual orientation
  • the degree of shame he feels about sexual interaction with another person
  • how well he has conducted relationships with sexual partners in the past
  • the kind of experiences is had within relationships
  • his formative sexual experience the attitude to sex within his family
  • negative and positive messages received in the family about sex
  • current beliefs about how men should behave in a sexual relationship
  • information about how the man’s father and male ancestors would have seen sex
  • how comfortable he and they are with it
  • any sexual trauma in the family or the individual’s history
  • the extent to which an individual is stressed or relaxed
  • whether a man is anxious or depressed, obsessive or compulsive
  • whether he has the mental health challenges
  • whether he has any previous sexual difficulties
  • whether a man has any of those symptoms of sexual dysfunction
  • what his sex life is like
  • how his sex life has been in the past
  • what how he sees himself as a sexual being
  • what the history of the couple sexual relationship is
  • the degree to which the couple can communicate easily about sex
  • whether they want sexual interaction
  • how common sexual interaction is in the relationship
  • how sex typically works
  • who initiates and leads during sexual activity
  • the degree of sexual interaction – how often, how much
  • how often delayed ejaculation occurs
  • the kind of situations in which delayed ejaculation occurs
  • whether a man feels performance pressure
  • if a man experiences spectatoring or not
  • how good a man is at keeping an erotic focus
  • how well a couple can handle intense sexual stimulation
  • whether a man has any sexual aversions
  • if delayed ejaculation occurs with masturbation
  • the degree to which a man uses fantasies during sexual activity
  • how pleasurable he finds sexual stimulation by his partner
  • how well the couple handles the woman’s sexual desire
  • the degree of enjoyment or frustration that sex causes
  • how often intercourse takes place
  • whether the man ever ejaculates during intercourse
  • if a sex a spontaneous or planned…. and so on

Well, you get the idea, I’m sure. There are many factors that might have a bearing on delayed ejaculation, and it’s necessary to tease out all of them to get a complete picture of what’s going on in a relationship. Then you can begin a treatment regime.

Causes Of Delayed Ejaculation

A rather crucial point that requires much emphasis is that sexual orgasm or the feeling of reaching a climax during masturbation or sexual intercourse is a mental event or episode – it all happens mentally, exclusively in the mind, and this is true even though the perceived physical pleasure lies in the body. When men and their sexual partners try to focus on the topic of anorgamsia or retarded or delayed ejaculation, the tendency is usually to think of these two different occurrences as being the same. Contrary to popular opinions and widespread notions, orgasm and ejaculation are two entirely different and distinct events!

Ejaculation, however, is a bodily reflex response that is induced by persistent and repeated pleasurable physical pressure and stimulation to the penis and various other pleasure points such as the perineum, nipples and the base of the scrotum. Scientific researchers have not yet identified where sexual orgasm is located as a neural event within the brain, but there have been breakthroughs concerning synaptic pathways by which the physical function of ejaculation is mediated.

There are competing and even contradictory viewpoints but one conclusion is that when sensual or sexual arousal reaches a certain level of intensity, the flow of semen into the farthest point of the male urethra concentrates and increases the fluid pressure at the root of the penis, and this in turn sets in motion a number of reflex reactions which includes movement of the pubococcygeal muscle in a series of rhythmic pulsations – ejaculation is evidently controlled by the involuntary nervous system, while sexual arousal is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system.

As it is, medical researchers see delayed ejaculation as a real problem, and the evolution of the terminology represents the scientific community’s increasingly enlightened attitude to this syndrome ejaculatory incompetence, inhibited ejaculation, ejaculatory over-control, retarded ejaculation, and finally delayed ejaculation.

This nomenclature is illustrative of a slowly increasing level of respect for the men who are having problems in relationship or sexual dysfunction issues with their partners during sexual intercourse.

What is puzzling to researchers is that many sufferers are able to ejaculate during their own masturbation. This has given rise to the belief that relationship issues are associated with failure to achieve orgasm and ejaculate during partnered sex. However, a healthy dose of skepticism in looking at such ideas is needed.

Videos on delayed and premature ejaculation




How to control premature ejaculation

Yeast Infection No More

There’s strong reason to suggest that a man’s failure to ejaculate even getting fellatio, during or when penetrating a partner, or through stimulation by a partner’s hand merely represents the fact that there’s the higher degree of stimulation during self-pleasuring is much more intense. A man may have learned to apply powerful self-stimulation to his penis while self-pleasuring.

It’s obvious that the human body can be trained to get used to some extraordinary levels of sexual stimulation, so it’s always wise to find out whether or not the problems with delayed ejaculation originate in the fact that the man on his own, using masturbation, can apply hard, firm, or high-frequency stroking, in a way that is not replicable during intercourse with another person.

There’s ample basis to assume that if this really is the cause of delayed ejaculation, the remedy clearly lies in reconditioning the body, the penis and the brain, so that they can respond to softer pleasuring of the kind that stimulates orgasm in intercourse.

In many instances, sexual therapists, counsellors and psychotherapists often adopt the attitude, the philosophical position, even, that the dynamics between the partners is to be seen as the primary cause of the condition.

To be fair, there is pretty good evidence and a basis for this rational line of thinking. In my years of therapy, and working as a therapist, I’ve come across a lot of sexually active couples who have become increasingly aggressive and hostile to each other and have neglected to maintain any degree of intimacy to the point where a the man in the relationship no longer enjoys intercourse, and secretly or not so secretly disdains the routine, while always simultaneously finding himself completely powerless to convey to his partner any meaningful dialogue and start a rational discussion to find a mutually acceptable answer or solution to these pernicious difficulties.

And even if there isn’t resentment, antagonism, or any other emotion on the part of the man towards the woman, there is, as some studies show, a specific type of individual which is prone to delayed ejaculation.

As often cited in scientific literature, this personality profile is quite likely a person who is somehow disconnected to his personal preferences to induce sexual arousal, who is often unaware of how aroused he is while doing sexual activities and intercourse, who looks at sex as a sort-of duty for which he is completely responsible, who sees his sexual partner’s pleasure and gratification during sexual intercourse as his own, exclusively male, responsibility, and who is totally convinced that the woman’s pleasure must rightly come first and is the the most important result of sexual interaction. These personalities – mostly male – generally, whether expressed or not, see themselves as the “mighty powerful provider of sex”, thrusting rhythmically (often against all the odds) to steer sex to a successful conclusion.

An interesting factor in this arrangement is that the majority of the partners of men in this situation are often somewhat passive when it comes to sex, and have a tacit understanding that it’s the male who is obligated to bring them sexual pleasure. In fact, they are without a doubt responsible for their personal pleasure. In such cases, it’s clearly imperative to help and provide instructions to the sex partners and make available some useful sexual information. Coached in such a way, the couple’s expectations and attitudes about sex and sexual gratification can be steered closer to reality.

Finally, it has been observed that men who have this kind of personality profile generally lack awareness of their own level of arousal. In a very real sense, there appears to be a certain gap, or a blank space, in the sexual experience, so that they have rendered dependent their internal process of sexual pleasure with the external dynamics of having sexual intercourse with a spouse or partner.

What can be deduced from all these is that their internal sexual model doesn’t serve as a divider of sexual stimulus and gratification: they are left in a frustrating state of arousal, of sexual confusion, and this means they are attempting to have sexual contact with another person without any of the essential tools that are necessary for the sex act to be a pleasurable and mutually satisfying experience.

And What Causes DE?

So what about the causes of delayed ejaculation? What, you may ask, do we know about that?

It’s a very good question, and it’s occupied a lot of clever people for many years. Even so, strangely enough, the answers are not entirely clear, but we do have some ideas. And since I’ve never been afraid to bring ideas where knowledge is lacking, let’s see what they are!

Natural Human Variability

To start with, the speed with which men reach orgasm during any kind of sexual activity varies from man to man. Some men are very quick to come, and some are very slow, and some can’t ejaculate at all. So this dysfunction could be seen as part of the natural variability in the whole population. No doubt to some extent that’s actually true. After all, we know that some men never experience premature ejaculation: even from the first time they make love they appear to have excellent ejaculatory control. Others struggle with rapid ejaculation for life, and appear to be completely unable to delay it. But the idea of a natural variation in the population certainly isn’t the whole story.

But Surely Delayed Ejaculation Is Natural?

One of the questions that comes up from me is why we think it’s such an unnatural condition. I guess in a way the answer is obvious: sex is meant to end with the man ejaculating, because that’s the way Mother Nature planned it. The idea is to get the woman pregnant. But humans aren’t as simple as most mammals. We have a highly developed brain, and within that brain, a mind that we use to process all kinds of thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

And one of the things we tend to do as a species is to put people who are different from ourselves in some way in a different category. So, many years ago, women who couldn’t reach orgasm during sex were called “frigid”. And that’s a very disparaging term. I wonder if the sense I have of “retarded” ejaculation as a disparaging term has anything to do with this sense of “difference”?

There’s certainly no question that men who can’t ejaculate are seen in some way as having a “problem”, whereas women who can’t come during intercourse are seen as normal, even if they were once called frigid. Nowadays there is certainly a widespread acceptance of female anorgasmia during intercourse. (As it happens, quite rightly, because only about 15% of women reach orgasm during sexual intercourse.)

So what’s all this mean? Well, it’s a good question, but I think the root of this whole thing is our inherent sense that delayed ejaculation somehow goes against the natural order of things. But among men who have it, there’s no question of them wanting to be like this. I’m sure every man with delayed ejaculation would appreciate being able to ejaculate easily.

Yet, having said that, and bearing in mind your highly complex mind, I’m wondering right now if you can see how your attitudes to sex affect the way you respond to a sexual partner? For example, is it possible that some men – you, perhaps – actually prefer to have sex with themselves to sex with a partner? And when they have sex with a partner, maybe they simply don’t get very aroused, and therefore they can’t ejaculate. It’s an interesting idea, but if it’s true, then why do men in this situation have a hard and long lasting erection? Isn’t that a sign of arousal?

One of the key people working in the field of ejaculatory problems is Bernard Apfelbaum, who came up with the idea that men with delayed ejaculation might simply prefer sex with themselves to sex with a partner: in other words, that their orientation was “autosexual”.

Bearing in mind the wide range of human preferences, that seems to me to be entirely plausible. And then the question would be – well, OK, but why does a man who’d simply prefer to be sexual with himself seem to be so aroused with a sexual partner? We’ll look at this in more detail on the section on psychological causes of this sexual dysfunction.

Another therapist called Helen Kaplan suggested that the reason men couldn’t ejaculate was because there was some kind of emotional block stopping them doing so. We know that emotions can interfere with sexual arousal, so this is quite a plausible explanation as well.

But is it true, and if it is, what sort of emotions are we talking about? Well, the most obvious suggestions here are things like anxiety, anger, emotional conflict about women, perhaps a lack of trust at a very deep level in women, and such like. These are all things that could give rise to a man’s inability to “open up” emotionally in the way that’s necessary for the completion of sexual activity (orgasm and ejaculation, in case you were wondering!).

That might sound bit strange to you, but then again, if you’re a man who’s been wounded by women, either in childhood, or in adulthood, you probably do have a sense of whether or not your level of trust is high enough to be able to enjoy sex fully with them.

You see, the thing is that we all carry a huge amount of unconscious information, beliefs, and emotions that have a massive impact on everyday life. The irony is that much of this isn’t conscious — in other words we’re simply not aware of it. So if you’re a man who has trust issues with women, you may not be aware of the impact that they have on your sexual relationship.

Equally, if you’re a man who was abused by women in childhood, you may have a massive fear of being “taken over” or absorbed or repressed (or almost anything really) by women or the feminine, and if you do that’s going to have a very negative impact on your ability to engage in an intimate relationship with a woman. Yes?

And it can be even simpler than that: suppose, for example, that you’re a man to whom control is incredibly important. To feel safe, you have to be in control. Well, ejaculation and orgasm are the times in our lives where we’re just about as vulnerable as we get. You have to let go of control to be able to reach orgasm and ejaculate.

So if you’re frightened of losing control, or for that matter if you’re frightened of your partner seeing you at your most vulnerable, it’s quite likely that you will have some kind of difficulty with ejaculation. And again, we’ll look at these in more detail on the page dealing with the psychological and emotional causes of delayed ejaculation.

But Before We Go On – What About The Physical Causes Of DE?

You might recall I mentioned above the possibility that male orgasmic disorder is simply a reflection of the natural variability of ejaculation speed in the human population.

If so, the question arises about what can a man in this situation can do to make things a little bit, shall we say, faster? One obvious answer would be find some way of getting more aroused before or during sex. And we will look at that later on, too, when we talk about possible approaches to treatment. But there are some other physical causes which go beyond any kind of natural variation in the population.

For example, low testosterone has an impact on men and their sexual responsivity, and in particular on their ejaculation speed. So if you have a low sex drive and delayed ejaculation, you might want to see a doctor who knows something about male hormonal issues….  just to get checked out and make sure that if you need testosterone supplementation, you get it. That applies particularly to men over 50 who very often experience low levels of testosterone.

Another common cause of ejaculatory dysfunction is prescription drugs. You may find that drugs as simple as painkillers like tramadol delay your ejaculation. We certainly know anything that acts as a sedative, inhibits sympathetic arousal in the sympathetic nervous system, or raises serotonin levels in the brain, can definitely impact ejaculation speed (impact it adversely, that is – at least if you take too long to come already!)

The drugs which tend to do that include antidepressants and other mood altering drugs, such as drugs designed to relieve anxiety, as well as other drugs like antihypertensives, alpha blockers and beta-blockers.

Equally potent inhibitors of ejaculation are diseases of the nervous system such as Parkinson’s disease, multiple sclerosis (MS), and so forth. The fact that such conditions can affect ejaculation means that men with ejaculatory difficulties who to go to a doctor for help will often receive a complete medical checkup….just to make sure there’s nothing physically wrong with their health.

What else? Well, surgery can cause delayed ejaculation. Any surgical procedure that damages the lumbar sympathetic ganglia or any nerves associated with the ejaculatory reflex, or any surgery on the prostate gland and pelvic area, all have the possibility to impact ejaculation. In the case of prostate surgery, TURP or transurethral resection of the prostate, causes retrograde ejaculation, although orgasm is normal.

Male sexual response has two parts to it: it has an erection reflex, and it has an ejaculatory reflex. Regrettably, for all you men out there with retarded ejaculation, the latter seems to be more sensitive to problems than the erection reflex.

Traumatic Masturbation

One of the most important causes of delayed ejaculation is traumatic masturbatory syndrome, which means that a man has learned to masturbate in a way that has conditioned his body to respond only to very hard stimulation of the penis – sexual stimulation of perhaps the most extreme kind. Often this involves thrusting against the mattress, or masturbating with an extremely tight grip on the penis during self-stimulation. Once again, we will look at these in the section on the physical causes of delayed ejaculation.