Let’s start at the very beginning. So what actually is delayed ejaculation?
Well, if you experience it you’ll most certainly already know that it means you can’t ejaculate in any kind of reasonable time during sex. It might mean you can’t even ejaculate during masturbation.
I’ve worked with a lot of guys over the last 14 years who’ve had this difficulty and I’ve come to understand that one of the most important things about it is the effect it has on men and their partners. I mean, even if you find ejaculation is possible when you’re masturbating, the fact you can’t ejaculate during sexual intercourse, or maybe not during any kind of sex with your partner, is a massive problem.
I also know that one of the things that happens a lot with delayed ejaculation is that men don’t seek treatment for it, because they’re too embarrassed or ashamed about it, or they simply don’t know what to do.
That’s why I designed a treatment program you can use at home, a treatment that will enable you to ejaculate normally whenever you want, with or without a partner, during sex or masturbation.
By its very nature, this problem is something that men keep to themselves, and often they don’t even discuss it with their partners. So, most likely, you have no idea how common it is.
Truth is, the inability to ejaculate during intercourse seems to affect about one man in 10 in the whole population. It’s extraordinarily common, and even though it’s not talked about much, it’s a real problem that needs to be dealt with.
If you’re in a relationship where you’re not communicating with your partner, or where sex has stopped because of your embarrassment or frustration, or your partner thinks she’s not attractive to you any more, then the treatment program on this website may be exactly what you need to get things working again.
But what does “working again” mean? It’s possible that you’ve never actually ejaculated during intercourse, or you’ve only been able to do so with extreme difficulty, so you may have no idea what it’s like to enjoy the experience of easy orgasms and a natural ejaculation during intercourse.
Check: never been able to ejaculate during sex? This is something called generalized delayed ejaculation, although I prefer the term “lifelong”.
There’s another kind of problem too that comes under the heading of retarded ejaculation – the one where you can ejaculate easily with certain sexual partners, but not with others. That aspect of the problem is called “situational” delayed ejaculation.
Now, having such difficulty with ejaculating is so different to premature ejaculation that it seems hard to understand how such a thing could possibly happen. We’re all used to the idea of the man who ejaculates far too quickly — in fact, prematurity has become something of a joke.
But the long, slow, slow, slooooow kind of ejaculatory dysfunction is definitely not a joke for anyone. As I’ve implied above, it causes a huge amount of frustration, it can cause a lot of self doubt and anxiety for the man, and it can cause the woman to feel she’s not loved or she’s not attractive (her thinking is – “Why else would he not be excited enough to ejaculate inside me?”).
So what can you do about your delay in ejaculating? I think the first thing is to understand why it’s happening. And to do that, it’s important to look some more at how it usually affects people.
One of the things I’ve heard many times about delayed ejaculation is that it sounds like a gift — usually words spoken by a man who ejaculates far too quickly, often a man who could give premature ejaculation a bad name, and who (understandably, I guess) thinks that being able to make love for long, long periods of time would be a real asset.
I have to say it is true that I’ve met a few couples where the woman claims she’s able to achieve orgasm after orgasm after orgasm because of the man’s extended thrusting ability. But I’ve met many more couples where the chief effects of delayed ejaculation are emotional frustration and physical soreness on the part of the woman.
Not many women actually like long-lasting intercourse — at least, not as long as it lasts when the man has delayed ejaculation!. And clearly if the couple are trying to have a child, then this is a crazy kind of ejaculatory dysfunction to struggle with.
Often when a man makes love for a long time without ejaculating he’ll lose his erection, and the woman may simply lose interest because she’s bored, unaroused, or she’s lost her natural lubrication.
Obviously there are variations on this pattern between couples, but that’s pretty much how it works. You can imagine how this means the couple in question don’t enjoy sex much. The lack of ejaculation, or as it’s been called, anorgasmia or anejaculation, takes away the natural conclusion of sex, leaving in its place a tedious process with no clear end-point that tends to please nobody.
And you’ll understand that this can put considerable strain on anyone’s relationship — and please forgive me if you’re in this situation, because obviously I’m telling you stuff you already know.
But it is important to look at the background to retarded ejaculation (that’s the old name for this condition, though I don’t think it’s very flattering one!) – because by doing that we might get some clues about how it can be treated.
Like I said, a woman often experiences her man’s DE (short for delayed ejaculatory responses) as some kind of rejection, even though the man is generally trying really hard to please her sexually. I think it’s fair to say that a lot of men with ejaculatory problems, particularly ejaculation delay, have a sense of unfairness, a sense of the injustice of it all.
They are almost always trying really hard during intercourse to make things good for their partner. As it happens this effort is probably part of the problem.
That’s because a lot of men with delayed ejaculation don’t actually seem to be sexually aroused very much. And that’s extraordinary, because usually they have a hard and long lasting erection. So is this condition simply a failure of sexual arousal? Let’s look at that in the next post, which you can read up above this one.